a letter to a man across the world

dear D of sheffield,

in a conversation over coffee that i had with a couple of friends a few days ago, we all agreed that it’s been an off-putting start for this year. in my part of the world, there’s been a couple of earthquakes (no one got hurt but it shook a lot of people, no pun intended), my (very pregnant) sister’s next door neighbor was robbed, three people really close to me have ended their romantic relationships, a lot of people have also been sick. and today, there is a storm. it’s only the beginning of the year.  i myself have been under the weather, and the inspiration to write has left me. i hope only temporarily.

two nights ago, one of my readers left me a message saying that she’s still suffering from a break-up from two years ago (this invisible writer still gets stoked when she gets anonymous e-mails from readers. you too, dear readers, can do the same if you wish. cure4mondays@gmail.com). there is a request for me to write about how people deal with pain from past relationships. i am flattered that i’ve been asked, but i’m not sure if i am the right person to write about it. i’ve had my share of bad relationships. my process: get hurt, bounce back, repeat. note: repeat only the good part of it.

you got my attention. i’ve never had a guy from across the world write to me about being “shattered into pieces”. they say it’s easier to open up to strangers. first, there is the complete absence of pre-judgment. second, it’s the next best thing to talking to yourself. i am celebrating, with a cup of tea, the fact that someone like you has manned up to run to a blog with the name “stilettos” screaming at you.

i am sorry to know that you are hurting. i am sorry that loneliness, you said, is killing you. i am sorry that you feel hopeless, among so many other emotions that come when a person turns his or her back away from you. that certainly is a lot for a person to take in all at the same time. we have all been through episodic walks down that familiar lane. i don’t like that lane one bit. there was a period in my life when that lane moved up in front of my house. even conakry that time seemed like a great place to fly to but there was simply no way to escape what lay in front of me. 

when we are in great deal of emotional pain, we look around for anything that will fill the void. that’s how we stumble into bad decisions sometimes. when your girlfriend left you for another guy, kubler-ross’ model of the stages of grief must have hit you harder that two bottles of absinthe. 

now that you’ve denied, gotten angry, probably bargained and are depressed, let’s hop on to the most challenging stage to achieve — acceptance. there’s no telling when it’s going to happen for you, but there is another way around it — and that’s making it happen for you.

after the break-up, you said you want to deny yourself love because all it does is draw in pain. your exact words, “i don’t believe in love anymore.” 

D, love is what you give. in the years of my long and stormy, but rewarding, journey, i have learned that loving becomes painful when you expect it to be given back to you. what human from this planet would not want to be loved back, right? 

eventually, one reaches a level of awareness where bliss is sourced from giving and not getting. joy comes from a place of knowing that the person you love is well, happy and healthy. love becomes a present that you give, not a prize that you’re trying to win.

i reread a favorite book when i introduced it to a kerouac-loving nepalese friend a few months ago. the little prince by antoine de saint-exupéry has taught me some of the most valuable things about the world and my connections with people. this one, i really value….

D, i’m not even going to say that i understand what your heart is going through. it’s always different for every breathing soul. i thank you for sharing your pain and your thoughts because it is proof that what lies within you is a bright shining moon called strength. 

tomorrow isn’t necessarily today’s friend. 

love hasn’t left. it hasn’t left your heart and soul when your ex-girlfriend left. love lies within you and it’s waiting for you to give it.  

Read more home, love and life articles here.

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reading sylvia plath’s “the bell jar” unscathed

reading sylvia plath is like walking through a tunnel, where, instead of a bright, promising light, there is only an indomitable dark opening at the other end. but without a doubt, you experience an inexplicable warmth and beauty in her words even as you struggle to understand why death is a foreboding cloud that follows her around.

i’ve read a few of sylvia plath’s poems, and although i’m a reluctant fan of poetry as i honestly  grapple with words, symbolism and covert meaning all the time, i must say that she’s got me engaged in moments of uncertainty and bliss and misery. plath was a wordsmith who speaks directly to the emotion of every woman who welcomes groundless desolation into her life like it was an inescapable force.

sylvia plath, poet

in “the bell jar”, plath vividly describes, as narrated by her 19-year-old fictional self esther greenwood, what it’s like being in it—her invisible, perilous psychological bell jar. it is a suffocating place from where she is in touch with the world, yet has momentary hankering to be away from it. it is clear from the beginning of the novel that she suffers from the contradicting emotions of knowing that she should be celebrating her month-long stint in new york but is uncontrollably feeling the exact opposite of it.  esther says,

“i was supposed to be having the time of my life. i was supposed to be the envy of thousands of other college girls...” and,

“i felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.”

the chapter on esther’s homecoming reveals her emotional descent through what seems like an eternal spiral staircase. i had moments when i couldn’t clinch a nail on what she’s exactly feeling and why everything for her seems like an endless pit. i have found her suicide attempts at first very pointless (although i would not dare say that there is such a thing as a meaningful suicide). a rejection from a writing course, the dearth of inspiration, and the general lack of meaning and direction in her life pushes her to believe that killing herself was the only way out of the self-perceived darkness engulfing her.

esther’s futile attempts leads to shock therapies and confinement to the asylum.

her narration of her life inside does not bellow in anger, and is even sometimes funny, but there is that calmness in her voice that makes her words melt on you. it can be disturbing and equally compelling.

the bell jar is the only novel written by sylvia plath, pulitzer prize for poetry awardee. her other published books are compilations of her poems such as ariel, crossing the water and letters home. plath ended her life when she was 30 years old following years of severe depression and a troubled marriage to poet laureate ted hughes. a few years later, ted hughes’ lover, assia wevil, also killed herself along with her two-year-old daughter, the very same way plath did. both women stuck their head into the oven, turned the gas taps on full and died of carbon monoxide poisoning. in 2009, nicholas hughes, plath’s son, hanged himself. he also suffered from severe depression. 

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suffering from morning anxiety but you don’t know why?

did you wake up bursting with positive energy today? if not, it’s okay. we all have days when we wake up to that familiar feeling of sadness or panic or anxiety. oftentimes you can’t put a finger on it — it just feels like this thick shadow draping over you, blocking the bright rays of the sun. 

for some it’s temporary, yet for some it’s a lifelong affair with anxiety.

i have struggled with morning anxiety for years. i knew what anxiety was, i just did not understand why it would particularly happen to me in the mornings. conquering morning anxiety was a personal project of mine for years to no end. when you look around there is a myriad of articles on anxiety. my reason for writing this is not to offer an expert opinion, which i don’t claim to have, but to take you on a short walk with me, lest you’ve been experiencing it, too. 

it took years before i finally decided to do serous research on this persistent foe. i was surprised with my discovery that there indeed is such a thing as “morning anxiety” and that millions of people suffer from it (i honestly thought i gave this kind of anxiety a name, silly me.) 

general anxiety causes lack of sleep, restlessness, loss of appetite and the lack of motivation. the sum of all these would end up in overall fatigue. if you’ve been worried about your job, money or relationship and you feel like you’ve downed eight straight shots of espresso and can’t control the jitters, you will surely be struggling under an invisible anvil the day after. the body can only take so much.

what is morning anxiety like? here’s an excerpt from a story where the central character, belinda, describes what she feels so we can somehow put a face to this bothersome feeling.

as soon as i opened my eyes i noticed the thin long cracks on my ceiling. they weren’t there yesterday. or maybe i just didn’t see them. 

“is today a monday? a thursday? days are strangers to me now. why is my heart thumping...it’s thumping and i’m so scared. how am i going to survive the next few days? questions, questions. my head is full of them now. do i have enough money? no, no, no. i never have enough. payday’s two weeks from now. the thought makes me want to jump out of bed and start working. maybe i’ll earn more money and i’ll never have to worry about it.”

i want to get up and do something but my body feels very heavy. I am very worried and i don’t know if anything will ever make things better. am i the only one feeling this way?”

sometimes, morning anxiety borders on the feeling of a panic attack and paranoia. you feel fearful and jittery. it is, however, a complex emotion to describe especially when you feel like you’re going through a tunnel where, sadly, the light on the other end scares you.

 here are some symptoms of morning anxiety. the moment you wake up you...

•  feel nervous, terrified even if you do not know the specific reason
• feel weak, tired, dizzy
• feel out of control
• have pains in your chest 
•  are confused
•  have stomach upset — this used to hit me the most
•  have muscle tension

overcoming morning anxiety is a process, and hopefully not a long one for you. besides life events that worry you, there may be things that you do everyday that add up to your anxiety. i didn’t know they mattered, that’s why i want to share them with you because in the world of anxiety, these are juggernauts:

 

•  sleeping on a bed that’s not comfortable will not give you a complete rest. the overall mood and feel of your room have a lot to do with your first emotions when you wake up. after all, it’s the first thing that you see in the morning. studies have also shown that when you wake up to an alarm, you subject yourself to a “surprise”  or scare and that’s not the best way to start your day.
•  low blood sugar triggers the fight or flight response, according to deanne repich, the founder of the national institute of anxiety and stress, inc. maintaining the right level of sugar will help your body to stay calm as the brain feeds on it. the right level of sugar will also prevent cortisol from waking up and reproducing itself
• speaking of cortisol, it is a stress hormone. it is naturally highest in the morning and at night. if you go to bed stressed out you will be producing more of it and panic is sure to hit you first thing when you wake up
• minor unresolved problems. hey, never underestimate the power of “small”. resolve problems before you hit the sack tonight
• consumption of alcohol -- you might want to go easy on this because the feeling of relaxation it gives you will completely reverse a few hours later or, for sure, the morning after

my next post will be on ways to deal with morning anxiety. i will also share how i personally conquered it in the simplest, most doable ways possible. no drugs and money involved, i promise.

keep reading and don’t forget to share!

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